


Autoerotic Rumination

by micehell



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Humor, It's NOT a crossover with SG-1 (this Jack is a surprise... only not much of one ;), M/M, Other, PWP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-06
Updated: 2006-05-06
Packaged: 2017-11-12 04:12:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micehell/pseuds/micehell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Is he doing what I think he's doing?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Autoerotic Rumination

**Author's Note:**

> It's silly and it's fluff... and it may be a little sick, but, hey, it was me writing it, so there you go. ;)

There was a large rise of rocks in front of them, a steep drop behind, and they'd decided to step into the long fall if there was no other option, but in the meantime, Rodney and John peered between the rocks in front and waited.

They were sure - or at least pretty sure, considering that they'd had to maintain radio silence - that Teyla and Ronon had managed to get through the gate after the Darts had passed through, but they couldn't depend on the idea of timely rescue, and Rodney could only surmise - "Hope," Sheppard said - that they might be high enough up, with a clear view of the gate down in the valley and the wooded slopes below them, to avoid being detected.

Rodney had always halfway thought that it was something about them, their life force if you wanted to use New Age jargon, that allowed the Wraith to track them so easily. However, after watching the drones that seemed to be making a systematic search of the slopes and valley, seeing them raise their heads from time to time and scenting the air like some kind of mutant crossbred catfish-hounds, Rodney could only be happy that the colonel had taken the time to muddy their scent trail, even leaving a couple of false blood trails. He conveniently ignored the fact that he'd called it a waste of valuable time when Sheppard had first suggested it.

After what seemed like days, the Wraith started to regroup in the valley, milling around their darts restlessly as they waited - though for what, Rodney could only begin to guess at - looking for all the world, at least from his vantage point, like ants whose hill had been disturbed.

Rodney started to get up, needing to stretch his legs now that the immediate threat was gone, but Sheppard's hand on his arm held him back. A closer look at the woods around them let him see that there were still a couple of drones moving among the trees, and Rodney sank back down, giving the colonel a nod of thanks.

The drones were moving downwards, still cursorily searching, but it was obvious that these last few trackers weren't really expecting to find anything. But, with the bad luck that had plagued Rodney since he'd come to the Pegasus galaxy, and, okay, before that point really, it appeared that one of the drones was going to find something, as he moved into the clearing right below them.

Holding his breath wasn't really going to help, but Rodney couldn't seem to stop it, and from the unnatural stillness of Sheppard's body, it didn’t appear that Rodney was the only one with that problem. Minutes, or perhaps just the one, passed, and Rodney had to breathe again, trying to keep his desperate inhale quiet. The drone's hearing apparently wasn't all that acute, though, because even though he wasn't leaving, he wasn't doing much in the finding them department either.

In fact, the drone didn't seem much inclined to search at all, choosing instead to sit on one of the large boulders that dotted the clearing, his large body falling into the classic thinker's pose, elbow on one thick knee, the masked face resting on his nearly as thick hand.

Rodney had been watching the drone so intently that he started when he felt a wash of hot breath across his ear, but it was only Sheppard, leaning in close to whisper, "You don't suppose he's into philosophy or something?"

It was obvious the man was amused, and apparently reading Rodney's thoughts, but Rodney just whispered back, "Yes, the philosophy of sucking the life out of us if he catches us, so shut up," which, amazingly, actually produced the desired result.

The drone continued to just sit there, and Rodney had the insane thought that it was moping, made all the more crazy by the fact that Sheppard had the same idea, since he was whispering in Rodney's ear again, "He looks kind of miserable."

It was hard to whisper and get the right amount of sarcasm in your voice, but Rodney was good at many things. "Well, why don't you go down there and cheer both of us up, then."

Sheppard just grinned, going back to watching the drone. For a moment. Then he was leaning in close again, the feel of that body along his doing weird things to Rodney's thought processes, even in the middle of what could so easily become a dire situation. "He looks kind of hungry, actually."

"Yes, I'm sure he is, and, ooh, look, he has nothing in his cupboards. Why don't we do the neighborly thing and go and play Welcome Wagon. You can bring your signature dish, Idiot With More Hair Than Brains, because everyone, and I do mean _everyone_ , apparently likes to eat that."

Rodney got a grin, and, "It's not as popular a dish as you make it out to be, and doesn't get served nearly enough for my taste. And I'm just saying he looks kind of down. Maybe it's been a while since he ate."

"Let's just hope it stays that way."

For about five minutes it looked like nothing was going to change for any of them, the drone's silent, still presence in the clearing keeping them silent and still also. Then the Wraith drew in a large breath, letting it out with an almost wistful sigh, and lifted his head off of his hand, holding the hand up in front of his face to stare at it.

Sheppard started to say something, but Rodney elbowed him, keeping him quiet except for a little wheeze, and watched what the drone was doing.

Which was studying the hand intently, the drone's other hand coming around to touch lightly at it. He ran one finger around the - Rodney's mind drew a blank for a moment on what to call it, settling on - _orifice_ in his palm, almost delicate in his attention to it.

Even the threat of a bony elbow and imminent death by Wraith couldn't keep Sheppard down for long, and he was almost on top of Rodney this time, his voice only audible because his mouth was actually on Rodney's ear. "See, he is hungry. He's playing with his… mouth thing."

Rodney didn't even try to knock him off again, both because it was obviously useless, and because Rodney was a healthy male, with healthy male appetites, and this was the closest to sex that he'd come in far too long. It wasn't like they had anything better to do at the moment, besides watching the drone play with his hand.

He was doing it slowly, running the fingers of one hand along the edges of the other, tracing out almost arcane patterns, sometimes pressing down firmly, sometimes barely touching at all, varying the strokes.

It was when he slightly dipped one finger into the orifice of the palm, then withdrew it, trailing the finger away, only to return and dip again, that Rodney started to get suspicious.

He was the one leaning into Sheppard this time, his voice both horrified and curious, and a little louder than he'd meant it to be. "Is he doing what I think he's doing?"

From the blush on Sheppard's face, Rodney guessed he had finally found something that would disturb the colonel's equanimity that didn't involve people trying to kill them… well, at least not at the moment, anyway. "I think… well, it _looks_ like… um, maybe he's…"

Rodney was shaking his head, amazed that the Kirk of the Pegasus galaxy could _be_ embarrassed. "First, what are you, five? Can't you say masturbating like all the other grownups? Second, of course he's doing what I think he's doing, because I'm always right. And third, ewww, I am right, and that's just sick."

John let out a little giggle, which Rodney felt more than heard, his embarrassment dying a quick death, and said, "I'm thinking I'm going to name this Wraith Jack."

Before Rodney could mock the pun, the drone distracted him again, opening his shirt up, so that the one white breast - strangely, sensuously, sexy, though Rodney tried not to think about it - was exposed. Then the drone was rubbing the hand with the orifice over the breast, slowly, lightly. He picked the pace and pressure up in small increments, minutes passing before his palm was circling fast and hard, and then it stilled, the drone's back arching, his entire body going tight, then slack again, his heavy breathing the only sound that could be heard.

When the drone lowered his hand, a mark was on his chest, already fading, and one part of Rodney's mind clinically noted that apparently Wraith could feed on themselves. He wondered mildly if it was a response to the drive to feed, or just a bad habit, like food addiction, that the drone couldn't quite break.

The rest of his mind was split between hoping that the Wraith would leave now, giving them the chance to get away, and feeling a distinct need to have some alone time in his shower. He got the first, the drone moving out, what appeared to be a smile on his face.

Rodney turned back to Sheppard, still leaning in close even though the need to be quite as quiet had gone. "I don't know what's worse, a Wraith sneering or a Wraith smiling."

He'd been half joking, but Sheppard's reply wasn't. "A Wraith feeding."

All Rodney could do was nod, his, "Yeah," coming out on an exhale, relief that they hadn't had to see, or feel, that.

Nothing kept Sheppard down for long, and he knocked up against Rodney, laughing, "Or maybe a Wraith wanking. That was pretty bad."

"Almost the most perverse thing I've ever seen."

"What was the most perverse thing?"

"That's a story I tell only after I've had at least six beers, and that's six Canadian beers, none of your wimpy American ones."

Sheppard was all innocence as he said, "So that's your price for putting out, huh?" Before Rodney could do more than glare at him, he said, "You could have always turned your head you know. Then you wouldn't have had to see it."

Rodney wasn't about to admit that he'd been a little bit more than just curious, and it would have taken more than a little perverseness to keep him from watching, so he went on the attack. "Yes, well, I wanted to be alert to any potential problems." He waved Sheppard's attempt to interrupt him off, knowing that he wasn't likely to hear anything he wanted to. "And after all, I am a scientist. It's in my nature to observe and study, even if I'm not happy with the subject matter."

Anything that Sheppard had been likely to say to that was lost in a glow in the distance, the light of the gate flaring bright against the waning day, and they could see the Darts making their way back off the planet. The population that Teyla's people had once traded with, and that the Wraith had once fed upon, had disappeared, leaving everyone who'd visited the planet today disappointed, and the Wraith had had to go home hungry.

Luckily for the Atlantis team, who were also going home hungry, but at least they were going home. They waited for another half-hour just to be cautious, but then they started back down towards the valley, gratefully using the side that didn't have the steep drop on it.

The erection that Rodney wasn't having any luck willing away was making things hard, and he excused himself the pun, for him. He blamed John for it, considering the whole lying up against him and breathing in his ear thing, and refused to think that the Wraith Smacking The Catfish thing might have been a contributing factor too.

Rodney wished the erection would just fade, as there was no getting rid of it in the usual method. Not now, at any rate. But thinking dampening thoughts, trying to shock the inconvenient hardness away, wasn't working, since all the gross and frightening things he imagined just kept leading back to the Wraith wanking, and it really wasn't _helping_ Rodney's situation any. He just knew there was a trip to see Kate in his future over this.

Rodney's luck was holding true, that is to say bad, as he stumbled, and he wound up catching himself against Sheppard to keep from falling. Not in itself horrible, but parts of him that he'd been trying to will down only got harder at the contact, and Sheppard's eyes widened as he felt it.

"Don't tell me…"

He didn't say what not to tell him, and Rodney's mind feverishly searched for a good lie, but, as always, as brilliant as it was, it was sadly lacking in the skill of lying to save face, and he only drew a blank. He could feel the blush all over his body, but he kept his eyes down and tried to bluster his way out. "It's not my fault. It's just that it's been a while."

Sheppard snorted loudly, drawing Rodney's eyes back up to see the tilted head, the smirk that was firmly in place. "What is it with you and Wraith. There was that one on the Aurora, too."

"Hey, that didn't count! She didn't look like a Wraith at the time."

"But this one did."

Rodney deflated a little at that. "Yeah, well, like I said then, I disgust myself sometimes."

Sheppard started walking again, slowing down so that he and Rodney were side by side. "Not just yourself, McKay." But he was smiling as he said it, and he bumped his shoulder against Rodney's, letting him share the joke.

They walked along in silence for a while, comfortable with it in a way that Rodney never was with other people, and Rodney spent the time thinking, wondering if he read too much in the way that John touched him, in the ease the man seemed to find in Rodney's company. Wondered how much of the full body contact, the breath in his ear, had been necessary back in their hiding place, and how much might have been for other reasons.

When they were right at the edges of the valley, they saw the gate light up again, and quickly ducked back into the trees, too sparse at that level to provide much in the way of cover. If the Darts came through again, Rodney didn't think they were going to stay hidden for long this time.

But nothing came through the gate before it shut down again. Sheppard turned to Rodney, eyebrow raised in question. "Cloaked ship," they said together.

The colonel was keying his radio on again, no reason not to use it now, and they had their confirmation. The ship stayed cloaked, everyone who had survived in Atlantis this long being more than a little paranoid, but it was on its way toward them, and they stayed where they were in the cover of the trees and waited for its arrival.

There was silence between them again, but this time it wasn't comfortable, at least not for Rodney, whose thoughts about John had made him a little restless, and hadn't done a thing to relieve the pressure on his balls.

He tried for casual as he asked, "So, what are you doing this evening?"

Sheppard had the eyebrow raised again, but it was in wonder, not a question. "You get hot and bothered over a Wraith catching five and that's when you decide to hit on me?"

Rodney knew this amount of blushing couldn’t be good for his blood pressure. "I didn't mean… well, obviously I meant… but not that you…" He trailed off, his brain once again failing him when he needed it. It was a disturbing trend.

"Rodney, Rodney, Rodney."

He had a moment to wonder if John was doing some kind of bad Cary Grant imitation, but then John was shaking his head and laughing, which wasn't the reaction that Rodney had been hoping for when he'd started this conversation.

"Rodney, your timing sucks, your social skills aren't much better, and your sense of romance is almost non-existent."

All of which was woefully true, and Rodney felt his shoulders slump at how badly this gambit had gone. He really liked Sheppard, had calculated that the man wasn't exactly adverse to him, and decided to take a chance. He found himself wanting to mope like the drone in the clearing, but thankfully there were no convenient boulders nearby to practice his Rodin imitations on, as he already felt pathetic enough. He was sure his mouth was pulling down, though, and he really was kind of sad that things weren't going to work out between John and him.

Not to mention that he really, really wanted to get some relief, and after today's bad association with the act, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to masturbate for a while. Or maybe ever again.

They saw the grass move in the valley as the ship approached. It uncloaked as it landed, and when the back hatch opened they started walking towards it.

When Sheppard bumped into him, Rodney paid it no attention, but when he did it again on the very next step, Rodney stopped, ready to have the whole thing out right then if that was the way that Sheppard wanted to play it.

But John just smiled at him, fondly shaking his head. "No romance whatsoever. Luckily, I don't really need it. I'll meet you in your room after Beckett springs us."

Rodney could only stare for a moment at his departing back, but then Teyla was calling to him, and he was moving again, greeting her and Ronon with a wide, friendly smile that made them look at him strangely, but he couldn't be bothered to care, happy that things had worked out with John.

And that he wouldn't have to masturbate after all.

/story


End file.
